Linda La Hughes: I ain't phobic about 'omos, I just can't stand the sight of 'em! Linda La Hughes: I've had my best sex in the dark. Well blokes prefer it that way, don't they? Linda La Hughes: Don't touch what ya can't afford! Linda La Hughes: I wouldn't mind him putting his hand up my skirt and moving my lips, if you know what I mean! Linda La Hughes: Tom, I can't be a lesbian, I mean, look at me, I'm gorgeous! Tom: Loads of lezzers are gorgeous! Take... [Thinks for a long time] Tom: Velma from Scooby Doo. Linda La Hughes: There aint no such thing as bisexuality, it's just greediness. Linda La Hughes: D'you know, I think they must a got a puppy for Christmas, cos I could hear her fella shouting in the background "I'm not havin' that dog back in my house" and then she said "party's off". [Tom pauses for a moment to absorbs this, and then we see a smirk come across his face] Tom: You're such a sad bitch! Tom: Why are you wearing more makeup than Scritti Politti? Joe: Joseph was like Jesus' stepdad. Suze: So who was his real 'dad'? Sugar Walls: We had to stick her in a kennel from the age of eight, just so we could get some bloody sleep! Linda La Hughes: You make it sound abnormal. [Talking to the forgetful funeral director] Bob Hobbs: Well it's traditional to tell family and friends. I mean, ya can tell a complete stranger, but they don't often give a... Linda: Shit? Bob Hobbs: Donation. Rick Cheesecloth: Oh Linda, butt out or get pretty! One or the two, eh? Linda La Hughes: Tom, I ain't a pussy-person. When people look at me, they don't think 'cat', they think 'dog'. Beryl: I didn't know Tom was epileptic. [Linda's son Zippy is trying to find out who is father is from his birth certificate] Zippy: It says here his name was Owen Nistand Linda: What? Zippy: Owen Nistand Linda: Let me see [looks at it] Linda: Oh! Hahahahaha! That's not Owen Nistand that's one night stand! Your daddy was a one night stand! I wasn't good at spelling in those days. [about Zippy's father] Linda: All I remember is that I was at a party and he was dressed as a pillar box. Tom: Was it a fancy dress part, mummy? Linda: Well this is the worrying thing daddy, no. Zippy: Are you pleased to see me? Linda: Of course I'm pleased to see you Zippy. It's just a shock, I haven't been this shocked since well I gave birth to you. I thought you were wind, I very nearly called you Fart. [Suze has black around her mouth] Tom: Why have you blacked up? I just want to say that if I find that offensive and ridic. Honestly what does Jez think of all this nonsense. Suze: Take a chill pill Tom, I've been eating coal. [to Sugar Walls, Linda's celebrity sister] Tom: You're very popular on the gay scene. Linda: So is amyl nitrate and they both smell like old socks. Linda: Should have taken in a show. I love a good play. [Tom looks at her in disbelief] Tom: You? The last play you went to see was "The Chip 'n' dales"; which, incidentally, is not a play. Linda: It was in a theatre. It had an interval. I had ice cream. Tom: The theatre should be exciting. Linda: I was stuck to my seat. Jez Littlewood: Three years. Linda La Hughes: Oh I bet your gagging for a nibble on another plate of muffins! Tom: Oh, what do you know about love? Linda La Hughes: I know it's in the dictionary between labia and lust. Linda La Hughes: I should've been black. It's only a fluke of nature that I weren't. Linda La Hughes: Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? What a rip off! Phone a friend? What if you haven't got any friends? Linda La Hughes: Oh my God who's that gorgeous creature? Oh my God it's me! Linda La Hughes: I am the auburn Jerry Hall. Linda La Hughes: Excuse me, will have have sex with me? Tom: I'll, erm, be fingering through Richard the Third 'til he comes.
Linda La Hughes
: Well, German's are very misunderstood people, Tom. Take Fritz' mum Helga, she'll sit on your face, as soon as look at you. Melinda Messenger: [dream sequence] Linda, I wish I looked half as good as you in that dress Linda La Hughes: Keep dreaming babe! Linda La Hughes: I Love smoking, me... Mummy gave me my first ciggy when I was 10, and I've never looked back! Tom: Well, I've got to say, Linda, this is a surprise. Linda La Hughes: Tom... You know I smoke. Beverly-Jane: Oh, Beverly-Anne. Can you get the keys for 315 please? Beverly-Anne: Can-do Beverly-Jane. Beverly-Jane: Off your face on pills, Sir? Tom: I am twatted! Beverly-Jane: Is that a Welsh name, Sir? Beverly-Anne: 315, Sir! Tom: Wait, wait, wait. This is not what it looks like! We are brothers and we are only sharing 1 room because it's cheaper than two. Beverly-Anne: Good night, Sir! And happy shagging. Do you think they're on drugs, Beverly-Jane? Beverly-Jane: I don't know about them, But I'm buzzing my nut off, Beverly-Anne. Beverly-Anne: Hmm, me too. Beverly-Jane. [the two start dancing idiotically] Linda La Hughes: Urgh! Taxi-Twat was in my bed all along! Linda La Hughes: I feel like that fucking trannie from Coronation Street! Linda La Hughes: Oh, Zippy, I could talk to you till the cows come home. In fact that's what Daddy used to say to me when I came in of a night "Oh, look, the cow's come home." Linda La Hughes: I should be a glam mum like Scary Spice... Tits up here, arse out there, Max Beesley giving me a lick. Miss Twitch: I love your dress sense, Linda. Linda La Hughes: Think like a slut. Dress like a slut. Tom: What have you done? You foolish, foolish child! Linda La Hughes: I've opened our back garden up as a camp site. Simon Shepherd: Is that physically possible with a bar of soap? Tom: Two words, Simon - patience and practice. Linda La Hughes: No, Tom! Don't go near the windows! Don't go near the windows! Tom: Why? Linda La Hughes: Umm... Because Tom, Did you know that 175% of all drive-by shootings happen near French Windows? Tom: Twiggy preserve us.. One is no longer safe in one's own home... It's like that really scary movie, that really violent one. Damn, what's it called? Chocolate Orange!
Linda La Hughes